~~Fears~~

A Master’s Grace – understanding and unconditional love when His babygirl is growing in all areas.  Below is an excerpt from a handwritten letter to my Master… it was written many years ago but you can still see the tear stains on the paper.  I have also, with His permission, included parts of His response to me on my words written – my fears.

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My note to Master - “As You peel back all the layers and I become totally Yours – what “thrill” do You get from that.  Once You have me as totally Yours – all my thoughts, all my dreams, my everything – I have totally lost myself in being Yours.  This has been a great completion for me – what about You, my Master?  What does it bring You to have that total knowledge – does it still intrigue You?  Your personality thrives off challenge, intrigue, and the edge – if You no longer have that with me because I have totally given myself to You.  Where do we go from here other than day in and day out living?

I look to You to mold me, guide me, shape me, and use me to feed Your hunger of control.  At times I wonder if I step outside things – like I did today – by not answering You when speaking to me – to see if the desire for me to follow You is still there or if You will just let it slide because it is easier.  It was not done purposely – I did not even realize I had not answered You until You mentioned it.  I don’t want to be that way – it eats at my insides.

What are the different levels in being a slave and submitting?  I don’t want to always be at the beginning – I want the deeper relationship.  I fear feeling safe there for fear of losing You because of Your hunger of newness.”

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Pondering thoughts scribbled on the note by me – “The battle in my slavery/submission… I find my inner strength, a quiet confidence, serenity, a security in who I am and my self-worth – my solace.  But when I find this I fear losing Him because of His hunger for what I no longer can give Him”

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An excerpt from Master’s response to my above note – “But we’ve barely scraped at service.  Comfortable?  Yes we are but deeper is always there.  Protocols, bells, posture, research, new sex exploring, tea service, there’s a tone more to do.  Newness?  There are parts of you that are unexplored.  We’ve go so far to go.”

“I expect you to follow, answer, and serve.  I won’t let it slide but I don’t beg either. Kisses – I love you!”

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My fears – this was a lesson learned for myself that at times my actions have nothing to do with my fears.  We were growing in our relationship and the changes scared me because we had always just been surface and never deeper because that is all life allowed us at the time. 

My Master, the Wise One in this relationship, saw my fears and helped me through them with guidance.  By Him pointing out the areas that we still had to explore and learn together helped me focus where needed instead of on my fears.  My fears are far and few between but they are still there but we take time to explore why they are there and how to dissipate them.